How To Date

And succeed in dating

Everything you need to know about how to date as a modern feminist.

Get help on the following topics:

Dating Advice
How To Maintain A Healthy Relationship
How To Escape An Unhealthy Relationship
Dating In College
Dating Online
Questions To Ask As A Modern Day Feminist
Common Red Flags
How to discuss politics in a relationship
How to deal with a breakup
What NEVER to say on the first date if you actually like the guy

The only 6 things a relationship needs to succeed

PLUS the exact phrase that will make him blush, smile, then deeply fall in love with you.

Dating Advice

  1. Discover your type

Even if you have not dated before, you will already know what type of person interests you. Perhaps you prefer someone quiet and intellectual. Perhaps you want someone who is a bit more mysterious, or maybe you want the loud and sporty one. Either way. There is someone out there for you.

  1. Go out and enjoy life

When you go out and live life, make sure to enjoy yourself. If you enjoy life, you will attract people who do as well. Not only this, but by going out and doing the things you love, you are likely to find someone enjoying themselves as much as you are in those areas, and they might connect with you.

  1. Join a group based on your interests

If you are interested in something, join a group around that. If you do, you might just find someone who is interested in these things too, and you two might hit it off.

  1. Finding a partner doesn't happen overnight

It does not happen like in the movies, good things take time. Although it might seem cliche, your soulmate is out there, waiting for you.

  1. Try speed or blind dating

Speed or blind dating is a great way to get to know someone quickly, efficiently, and if you aren't a match, no feelings are hurt.

  1. Go to events

You want people to know, there is someone out here who wants to talk to people, and start something. They'll never know if you don't go.

  1. Travel alone/Go out alone when you travel

Even though women are told you should never travel alone, as it is dangerous, there are many opportunities just waiting to present themselves to you. If you don't want something long distance, travel locally as you are more likely to find someone closer to you.

  1. Believe in love

By believing someone is out there, you are increasing your chances of finding your prince or princess. This will also make you a more confident person

  1. You guessed it, be confident

You'll often hear people say, confidence is key. And most of the time, they're right. Whilst you don't want to be too confident, confidence is always a good sign that you are strong, independent and you know what you're looking for.

  1. Be flirty

Don't be overly flirty, or you will come across as someone who just wants to hook up. Have the right amount, so you look like someone who knows what they are doing, whilst also not wanting anything small.

  1. Be yourself

Everything you lay on the table must be as genuine as possible. Whilst it might seem good to lie about something to get it further, you need to realize, people hate being lied to. they will not like it and it will come back. As your mother said, lies always get found out!

How To Maintain A Healthy Relationship

  1. Get in touch with your emotions

Make sure you know how to regulate and convey your emotions effectively, and your partner will likely reciprocate

  1. Take time to build the relationship

Kingdoms aren't built in a day, and neither are relationships. A good one needs time and effort, commitment, and the willingness to accommodate each others needs.

  1. Set boundaries, and respect them.

Setting boundaries isn't just for saying I don't like this, but it is also for saying I appreciate this, and I like that. Doing this relieves the pressure of having to commit to anything unrealistic

  1. Talk and listen

Every relationship is going to have disagreements, and that's OK.

  1. Take control, but know when to let it go

As a strong independent feminist, you know how to take control of a situation that needs to be controlled, but sometimes in a relationship, it is OK to let go once in a while, and know when to do so. Knowing you can only control what you do will save you a lot of stress.

  1. Learn, and Reflect

Reflect on the best relationships, what they contribute, and how you can replicate that. Then, reflect on what makes the bad relationships sour, so you can avoid those mistakes in the future.

How To Escape An Unhealthy Relationship

  1. Talk to your partner about what is bothering you

If you speak to them, and they are willing to go to see therapy, then you should go and see help. However if the behavior persists, consider breaking off the relationship. If they refuse to go, you should see step (ENTER STEP HERE)

  1. Tell people you can trust, such as family members, that you plan to break it off

Your family can be a stepping stone to a better life, and provide you with emotional support at a time when you desperately need it. If you need a place to stay, they can also provide a home after your breakup.

  1. Save money

Try to prepare as best you can for the breakup, if you can save enough to buy a good place that's great, if not you should try to stay with your parents or a close friend.

  1. If your partner is abusive, keep a recording of every time they do this to you, and consider a restraining order

The sad truth is that many people still abuse their partner, and to best be prepared to leave and get ratification and potentially a restraining order, you should try and keep a recording of every or most times they assault you. This way, you will have a much better and faster time getting out of the relationship, and getting legal assistance if necessary.

  1. Work on your self esteem

If you engage in activities that result in a boost of self-esteem, it will give you more confidence in yourself when you leave your partner

  1. Cut off communication with the toxic person

Maintain limited and direct communication; only talk about what is necessary. A friendship might be feasible after some time has passed, provided that both parties recover and alter their behavior. However, don't make an effort to become friends with the individual immediately away, and especially avoid flirting or engaging in any sexual behavior with them.

  1. Take time

Spend time with loved ones who uplift you rather than pull you down. You may also spend time with animals who serve as fantastic examples of unconditional love and who also serve to reduce loneliness. Additionally, they can help you get outside and socialize with others.

  1. Maybe pick up a hobby

Hobbies help people feel better about themselves and are a great way to meet new people when the moment is good.

  1. Work on yourself before trying to get into another relationship

In toxic relationships, a person often loses themself. It can take some time for them to rediscover who they are and to recover from the harm the connection created.

Dating In College

  1. You come first

If you feel in your heart that someone isn't the right fit for you, it's alright to let them go. Even if they are a wonderful person, you should prioritize your needs and refuse to change yourself in any drastic manner. You shouldn't have to alter who I am for someone else. College is filled with attractive, fascinating individuals, which might be daunting. Realize that being yourself is sufficient and that the people who matter wouldn't want you to change at all.

  1. Hookup culture is prevalent

The fact that just because a boy kisses you doesn't necessarily indicate they like you, is one of the most crucial things you should understand about dating in college.If you're seeking for anything more, it could be a good idea to talk to someone about your expectations up front since college may be the first place you meet people who are only looking for a hookup rather than a relationship. If you are just looking for a hookup go to:

  1. Make sure to ask for your needs

It’s okay to speak up for all your needs and try to make yourself as comfortable as possible. Never settle for something less than what you need.

  1. Your education is the number one priority

If your partner expects you to skip class to spend time with them, they may not be a good partner. Only date someone who values you as much as you value yourself. People will try to force you to choose between your studies and social activities or household chores.

  1. Don't let the relationship become your life

Even if you want to spend all of your time with your partner, it's not always a good idea. It's easy to get into the habit of spending every second of every day with this person when you're not in class just because you can. However, your friends will despise you for it.

One anonymous senior says: “I wish someone had told me that college relationships require a time commitment that is different than what you’d expect,” says one anonymous senior.

  1. Trying to date in college can be isolating

People in college have often expressed just how big a role politics plays in college dating. Two Black students discussed how difficult it is to date while attending a PWI(predominantly white institution). "I wish I had known that dating in a PWI would be extremely difficult," One of them says. If you are feeling this way, seek the ears of a close friend you can talk to.

  1. People will gossip

People may gossip about your love life if you attend a small college or are part of a small community at a larger college. "Dating another student at a small college means that everyone else will know about your relationship, some of which they may know before you," says one anonymous junior.

  1. Have safe sex

“If you’re going to hook up with people to release your tension and stress, BE SAFE ABOUT IT and get tested consistently,” the same junior adds. You should take advantage of the sexual resource centers on campus. They have a lot of information about security, space, and emotional health. Take advantage of these learning opportunities before meeting or beginning to date your partner.

  1. It is OK to end things with your high school partner

We highly recommend coming to college single, and waiting and seeing what happens when you get there because you truly never know.”

  1. Abuse might look different to what you are used to

If your friends warn you about red flags, you should pay attention to them. That minor squabble you had? It was just a misunderstanding until you told your friends and realized too late that your partner was gaslighting you. The 'I'm sorry, it won't happen again' line will be repeated. If you are trapped in an abusive cycle, you must break free. Make use of school resources. Your friends, professors, and counselors will not pass judgment on you. They support you.

Val says: “As a queer woman, I wish there had been more representation of emotional abuse and manipulation in queer relationships. It took me so long to realize what I was facing because it wasn’t the man-abuses-woman relationship I had grown up being told was the one to watch out for"

  1. Dating is not a requirement in college

You don't have to date in college, it doesn't have to be "the best years of your life," and the first person you meet who you connect with isn't always a good match. Post-college dating is frequently far superior to college dating. After graduation, dates become a little fancier than the dining hall.

Dating Online

  1. Look for a person that will make it convenient for you

Wait for someone who wants to make life easier for you, for example picking you up for a date, or picking a time that is easier for you.

  1. Don't bother with the ones who won't text you back

You shouldn't waste time on someone who doesn't text back enough or reach out. You should go on dates, especially if you're interested, however, if they aren't putting in the effort, know when to call it off.

  1. Don't stick to purely your "type"

You might think you are only attracted to guys with massive muscles and 6ft. However, if you consider the other people on the apps, you might find you find someone who can fulfill you emotionally rather than just physically.

  1. If a site/app has a really good selection of people, consider paying for it

There are many things with dating apps hidden behind a paywall, and if you feel this app has a good crowd, paying could speed up your dating life.

  1. Put the apps away whilst you are seeing someone

In order to see something blossom into a good relationship, you should turn off notifications and if need be move the app to another page so you don't get distracted by it.

  1. Go for the guy who matches his bio

It's crucial to try to figure out who someone is rather than focusing on someone because their picture would look great on the cover of GQ. He has regular pictures of himself and his dogs (an obvious sign of trustworthiness) and a basic kitchen selfie instead of modeling headshots. His bio is also normal; he doesn't work out excessively or go adventure hiking every weekend.

  1. Don't be shy if there is a cultural difference

Go into it with an attitude of acceptance and openness. Being open to other traditions and cultures can make you feel much more accepted and happy as a result.

  1. Make a list of things that you are looking for

You should know the answer to the ‘What are you looking for?’ question. Honesty is the best policy and your partner will appreciate your honesty

  1. Make sure that the values you hold dear are upfront and they know them

There are always people who will be interested in the same things you are, you just have to find them. If you are upfront about your core values, it will filter out the people who don't share those values.

  1. Save good points of conversation for when you have a real conversation

Save the good points, the points that will show someone's true character and will make them think, for real-life conversation. This way you can see their reactions in real-time, and have a good face-to-face conversation

  1. If you need, take a break

If you feel stressed from online dating, it is alright to take a break. It will clear your headspace and allow you time to process everything that may have caused this annoyance or confusion.

Questions To Ask As A Modern Day Feminist

  1. Do you consider yourself to be a feminist? Why (not)?

This is a crucial question, however when you ask it you need to be willing to let the relationship go if they give a sexist answer.

  1. What does feminism mean to you?

This one is important to, as it gauges whether they have an actual understanding of the movement or if they just say they do.

  1. Is your view of feminism (1) completely positive (2) mostly positive (3) neutral (4) mostly negative or (5) completely negative? Why?

Be prepared to educate them if they answer with mostly negative or neutral. If they answer with completely negative or it is likely never going to go anywhere.

  1. Can you name some feminist figures? What are they noted for?

It isn't necessarily a deal breaker if they can't, however, gauge their reaction to the question. If it is anger, they likely do not agree with the movement.

  1. Try speed or blind dating

Speed or blind dating is a great way to get to know someone quickly, and efficiently, and if you aren't a match, no feelings are hurt.

  1. What are the biggest issues in feminism?

They have likely heard of many of the issues feminism and females in general face, and if they don't give an answer they likely don't care enough to try.

  1. Can men be feminists? Why (not)?

This will detect what type of culture they have grown up in, and whether it is oppressive to women or not.

  1. What do you think about abortion?

This is one of the main issues facing so many women today, and if they can't give you a straight answer it means you will have to educate them or they simply don't care about women's issues.

  1. What do you think about the #metoo movement?

One of the most important movements of modern-day history, if they don't like it, it likely means they are sexist

  1. What do you think about female education?

In education, social discrimination against girls and women remains a major issue, particularly in developing countries. Language learning has traditionally been regarded as a more appropriate subject for girls and women to pursue than other subjects.

Common Red Flags

There are a number of behaviors or red flags that may indicate that a person is not suitable for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Some common red flags in dating include:

  1. Disrespect: If a person consistently shows disrespect for you, your boundaries, or your feelings, this is a red flag.

  2. Controlling behavior: If a person tries to control your actions, decisions, or relationships with others, this is a red flag.

  3. Lack of communication: If a person is unwilling or unable to communicate openly and honestly with you, this is a red flag.

  4. Lack of effort: If a person is not willing to put in effort to build a strong and healthy relationship, this is a red flag.

  5. Lack of empathy: If a person is unable to understand or share your feelings, this is a red flag.

  6. Dishonesty: If a person is dishonest or untrustworthy, this is a red flag.

It is important to be aware of these red flags and to trust your instincts if you feel that something is not right in your relationship

How to discuss politics in a relationship

Politics may be a delicate and sometimes tense subject to discuss in a relationship because people frequently have strong opinions and feelings about it.

Following are some tips for bringing up politics in a relationship:

  1. Stay respectful: It is important to remember that your partner's political beliefs are a part of who they are and should be treated with respect, even if you disagree. Avoid personal attacks or trying to convince your partner to see things your way.

  2. Keep an open mind: Try to approach the discussion with an open mind and be willing to listen to your partner's perspective. You don't have to agree, but it is important to understand where they are coming from.

  3. Seek common ground: Look for areas of common ground or shared values, even if you don't agree on every issue. This can help to create a sense of unity and understanding in your relationship.

  4. Set boundaries: If discussions about politics become too heated or stressful, it may be helpful to agree on boundaries to avoid damaging the relationship. For example, you could agree to limit the amount of time you spend discussing politics or to take a break from the conversation if things get too heated.

  5. Seek outside help: If you are unable to have productive discussions about politics with your partner, it may be helpful to seek the help of a mediator or a couples counselor to facilitate a healthy and respectful conversation.

How to deal with a breakup

Breakups can be difficult and emotional experiences. It is normal to feel a range of emotions after a breakup, including sadness, anger, and grief. Here are a few tips for dealing with a breakup:

  1. Allow yourself to feel your emotions: It is important to allow yourself to feel and process your emotions after a breakup. This may include crying, venting to a friend, or writing in a journal.

  2. Take care of yourself: Make sure to take care of your physical and emotional needs during this time. This may include getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.

  3. Seek support: Lean on your friends and loved ones for emotional support during this difficult time. It can be helpful to talk to someone about your feelings and to get perspective from others.

  4. Practice self-care: Engage in activities that help you relax and take care of yourself, such as taking a warm bath, practicing meditation, or going for a walk.

  5. Focus on the present: Try to focus on the present moment and take things one day at a time. It can be helpful to set small goals for yourself and to celebrate small victories.

Remember that it is okay to take time to heal and that it is normal to experience a range of emotions after a breakup. It is important to be kind to yourself and to allow yourself the time and space to heal.

What NEVER to say on the first date if you actually like the guy

There are a few things that will just ruin a date. Some of those are very avoidable. Here are 12 things to never say if you actually like the guy.

1: I hate my body

If there’s one thing that men can agree on, it’s that confidence is a huge turn-on. A joyful and self-assured woman is just as attractive as a tanned and toned bod.

2: Are you planning on paying for this?

It’s not uncommon for a man to foot the bill on a first date, but it should never be expected. Times are changing and gender roles have been redefined.

3: I'm on my period

Yikes! It should go without saying that bodily functions are OFF THE TABLE on the first date. You don’t want to hear about your date’s weird rash or his flatulence problem. Likewise, he may feel uncomfortable if you bring up your monthlies.

4: I only date tall guys, but I thought I would make an exception.

Let’s take a minute to consider the opposite sex. Guys have feelings too! That includes joys, fears, insecurities and anxieties.

Some girls think guys are strong enough to bounce back from a blatant insult, but the truth is they aren't.

5: Who was that girl in your <social_media> photo last week?

I believe that we have all engaged in a little pre-dating Facebook snooping. It's a fantastic method to get a quick glimpse of someone's personalities and hobbies! You are welcome to stalk, just don't tell your date about it.

Statements like this not only come out as a little strange, but they also imply that you have a jealous streak. Nothing screams "crazy" like a nosy, overbearing girlfriend. Your date will be running the other way from you.

6: What is your salary?

He will undoubtedly be curious about your intentions and concerned about whether or not you will think he is financially deserving. Everyone desires love, not to be treated as a resource. Feel free to discuss his career, his objectives, and his driving forces. But postpone talking about salaries for now.

7: How many girls have you slept with?

The truth is that talking about sex increasingly happens even before you go out together. In fact, it's frequently demanded during the first date. Yikes. Do not be scared to admit to your date that you tend to take sex casually. It's acceptable to state your position clearly up front to prevent any ambiguity.

In addition, a first date is not the best occasion to enquire about your date's sexual history. Without a mutually trusted relationship, your date may feel threatened and turn to lying as a form of defence.

8: I can't believe you are eating that cow.

Vegans are known for being critical of others who don't hold the same beliefs as them, but there are many other ideologies that are just as divisive. Catholics in general are frequently characterised as being too judgemental and intolerant.
It's generally preferable to refrain from bringing up contentious personal beliefs during a first date. Don't, at the absolute least, pressure them to share your interest. If he brings up a hot button issue, state your position calmly and honestly. It's wise to avoid starting a conflict with new people.

9: "I sort of, um, well, uh..."

Again, the secret to captivating your date is confidence. It's normal to experience anxiety and, certainly, to stutter. Here are some suggestions for looking confident despite feeling a little flimsy. Do some deep breathing exercises right before your date. Your blood pressure will drop and you'll feel more at ease if you take a few deep breaths. Own your passions and achievements. Do not be timid. The objective of your date is to learn more about you. Share your successes with pride, whether you're an award-winning baker, a third-degree black belt, or a gamer! Smile. A smile can fool your brain into thinking that everything is fine, even if you're feeling worried. One of those situations when you can fake it until you make it.

10: Woah that guy is really cute!

There is a stigma associated with men and infidelity. Things don't look well for your future partnership if you already have eyes on other men. If your date thinks you're not ready to be exclusive, he probably won't spend any more time with you. Keep the banter for your girlfriends.

11: My ex always said...
"Let it go, let it go," as Princess Elsa famously commanded. I understand that it can be difficult to break old behaviors. If you've recently ended a committed relationship, you might still be thinking about your ex.
Even though you could be going through a change, this date gives you the chance to meet someone new who might complement you in ways you never imagined.

12: I want to get married as quickly as possible!

Woah there! Let's go a little slower. Power to you if you have a five-year plan. On a first date, though, there is no need to disclose it. It is never a good idea to impose your personal timeline on someone else. It cultivates a tense environment that can hinder a romance in the making. In this situation, it's probably going to end your vibe before it really gets a chance to begin. Maybe your date needs to go cautiously since they are still healing from a long-term relationship. He might be thinking about his own timeline. Simply relax, take it slow, and enjoy the trip. On later occasions, you'll have opportunity to talk about the next steps.

The only 6 things a relationship needs to succeed

There are only 6 things a relationship needs to succeed:

  1. Communication: Good communication is essential for any relationship. Make an effort to listen to your partner and express your own thoughts and feelings openly and honestly.

  2. Trust: Trust is a key component of any healthy relationship. It's important to be honest with your partner and to show them that you can be trusted.

  3. Respect: Showing respect for your partner is essential for a healthy relationship. This includes listening to their thoughts and feelings, valuing their opinions, and treating them with kindness and consideration.

  4. Compromise: No two people are exactly alike, and it's important to be willing to compromise in a relationship. This may involve finding ways to meet each other halfway or finding a solution that works for both of you.

  5. Support: It's important to be there for your partner when they need support, whether it's offering a shoulder to cry on or helping them through a difficult time.

  6. Love and affection: Showing love and affection towards your partner can help strengthen your bond and keep your relationship strong. This can include physical affection like holding hands or hugging, as well as expressing love through words and actions.

Remember that all relationships take work, and it's normal for there to be ups and downs. It's important to be patient and understanding with each other and to work together to resolve conflicts and challenges as they arise.


Many people have contributed to this site, both anonymously and publicly, and we would just like to stretch a great big thank you to the wonderful people who continue to help this site reach more people, and who help make our advice better.